Quaranthoughts: Teamwork and Relationships

We never thought we would experience a “lockdown” in our lives. All the assumptions we had about living under lockdown, I think, have been cleared.

The period has made us realise a lot of good things. We started to appreciate the small things and details we used to ignore. We have learned to feel good witnessing a sunrise while having a cup of coffee. We have learned to be happy with breakfast with our families. We have realised the power of walking. We have noticed the happiness just by staying at home. So, I hope that we take time to think about our definitions of teamwork or how we want our team to move forward after the quarantine. Let us also think about our relationships, and how we want to live a quality life.

On teamwork. We always say that there is teamwork if all the members of the team work together as one. We always listen to people chanting “United we stand. Divided we fall.” We always listen to claims that they are excellent team players because they know how to help others. Yes, it’s true that working together is working as a team. It’s true that helping your teammate is a show of teamwork. But, I think, our current definitions are incomplete. For instance, how can you help a teammate or a workmate finish a task if he/she has no laptop computer, or worse, no internet, during these hard times? Majority would be quick to answer that they will help. Some would lend a laptop computer and have it delivered to where the workmate lives. Some would offer help by finishing the task assigned to the workmate. We usually do not include actions after the actual help in our definition of teamwork. We fail to recognize that some has the attitude of keeping a list of good deeds done to others so that they can ask for a favour in return in the future.  We should define teamwork as “working together as one and helping without conditions.”

On relationships. We say that a true friendship is tested in adversity. This means that a friend would drive to your place just to help you with anything you ask him/her, even if we are under lockdown now. I guess, that is the same standard employed in romantic relationships. How can you be happy testing one’s loyalty if your putting his/her life in danger?

Sadly, the quarantine has also brought out the hidden darkness of the human race.

The Zen Stones at the End of the Cave

Smile was all over my face. I couldn’t decide what book to buy for you. I thought that the two books are good for you to read. I tried looking for a third option. But I ended up buying three books. After paying for the three paperbacks, I added the wrapped books inside the eco-bag with food items. A small bag of goodies that I plan to bring with me on my surprise visit to you.

I sent you a text message, “I miss you, baby.” Then, I smiled. I tried to find a good restaurant, where I could have a good lunch. Three steps after the massive pillar of a mall, I saw you. Happy. Seated at the corner of a seafoods restaurant. And I saw a man took the seat in front of you, and held your hand. I froze. I did not move. For a minute or two, I just stood where I was. Just looking at your hands. All the rumours have become clearer. All the hearsay about you coloured their surroundings. It was only me who did not want to believe the people who have tried to tell me about you.

When I got home, I headed immediately to my computer to book a flight. The next days challenged me to get up and go to work. All I wanted was to stay in bed and stare at the ceiling. At 2:00 AM in the fourth day of my ordeal, I stood up, packed my bag, and Grabbed to the airport.

When the plane landed, the sky was silently crying, prompting a parade of yellow umbrellas to the arrival hall of Legazpi airport. People were doing a strange chant. I immediately went out of the building and looked for tricycle. I told the driver my destination. We travelled in maze-like narrow streets. I entered in a self-made warp of fantasy and imaginary life. I held your hands so you won’t get cold. I moved you closer to me, eliminating the already-irrelevant space between us in the trike. I held your head closer to my heart.

Everything was halted when a different hand touched my arm. It’s the tricycle driver’s. “Sir, andito na po tayo sa terminal.” I did not notice we had reached our destination. You have also disappeared in a matter of click. The next trip provided me enough time to get into the world of self-made dreams. Birdy and Chris Martin accompanied me through the hour-long trip. That time, you were silent, sleeping on my shoulder. I never considered us as the most perfect couple, but everybody knows, we are the team to beat. Eight years of happiness. Eight years of food, festivals, adventures and off-the-beaten trails. Who would have thought that I would literally be shocked in the most positive way when I saw the magnificence of the Bagan temples? Who would have thought that I jumped just because I couldn’t contain the excitement and happiness seeing the night lanterns in Chiang Mai? Who would have thought that I told you “I love you” while we were having egg-coffee in a café while watching the people around Hoan Kiem Lake in Ha Noi? I arrived in Sorsogon City with red, watery eyes. Another two hours of jeepney-ride to Matnog… and I had high hopes that Angus and Julia Stone could provide the necessary support to keep me in my fabricated world.

The sky was adorned with grey cumulus clouds. The gloomy world enveloped me. But you had disappeared. The music’s not helping. The thought of you, gone forever, came rushing through my sanity, like how the rain pierced through the clarity of our direction. The road played with my feelings. How the ups reminded me how I wanted to punch him in the face. How the downs reminded me how I wanted to hold your hands and ask for explanation. Everything must go, no stops like in the plain course of the road. And one bird banged itself in the forwarding jeepney. It must have been thinking something. Like me.

The town is laid-back. The man at the corner was selling used clothes at very low prices, almost making them free. The bakery still had high layers of different kinds of bread inside its glass cabinets. When I saw the small local restaurant called carinderia, I wondered what kind of viand it has and if it can entice a tourist like me. The shop selling dry goods at the far end of the structure seemed chaotic. And when I turned to my left, I saw a mirror with someone staring at me. He was asking questions on life and love. I just shrugged my shoulder and turned to the other direction. I knew that I was not yet equipped with enough strength to assess what I was going through. Luckily, a big map of the province kept me busy. Waterfalls and beaches made up the map.

Nobody would understand me going to your direction, like braving the waters filled with seaweeds that looked like green plastics. Getting through the pain, as I have always understood, makes you stronger. You do not lose everything in a break-up. Strong waves might rock the boat and coast you, but at the end is a calm sea. I know I can dock safely at a harbour, even with black feelings. Darkness might be ahead and over me, like a cave, but I know, that at the end of the tunnel, there is calmness and enlightenment. I know that in the end, I can peacefully live over my emotions, like how a stone could be placed on top of another stone to form a zen stone. Negative elements will definitely pop up along the way, but I know, I am strong enough to make another journey back to the open sea.

Back to somebody’s loving arms.

I’m Gonna Wear My Heartbreak Proud

Without you, there is no life in me.

Yes, I must admit, it has been a year but you are still in my system. I have tried to cleanse my sanity and remove all the residue of our story. But I can still hear your voice in my mind. Memories are still as crisp as a new banknote and the pain of losing you is still like a cut from a newly-sharpened knife. I can still see you in my dreams. I can still feel your embrace. I can still hear you talking to me about anything under the sun. And I am still here, waiting for you… writing about you with the hope that the letters and words take away the pain in my heart.

I remember the times when we were still together. I remember rainy nights of driving amidst a heavy traffic jam. I remember calm afternoons of driving towards the sunset. I remember our disagreements about one-way love and emotional strength, with me always debunking and telling you that you are stronger than what you think of yourself. I remember kissing you “good morning” and “good night.” I remember holding your right hand tightly when you feel down and lonely.

I remember telling you all the travels I did and convincing you for us to go on a road trip. But you told me you were scared. So we did not proceed with our travel overseas because I did not want to put you on the edge. And I remember learning that you had a travel with one of your friends. I remember realising that you must have gained strength. How lucky your friend was. I wished I was with you on your first travel because I wanted that piece of happiness. That piece of memory.

Oh God, I wanted forever. But you gave me the last chapter, the last statement, the last word.

I did try to move on, to get away from your memory. I did try to pick-up the pieces of my life prior to meeting you. I went back to traveling to near and faraway places. I did not mind the danger. I tried to find the fun in everything. But I ended up buying your favourite drink in one of the places we spent our Saturdays. I decided to go home and watch my favourite tearjerker films with the darkness, my towel on the side and my blanket wrapped around my body and my pillow.

That day of waking up not thinking about you is already at the horizon. I know it’s just a matter of taking the first step and steadily striving harder to get to it. I know there will be a day when I can consider again sunrise as the happiest time of the day. I know there will come a time when I can hold again somebody’s hand while whispering “I love you.”

But for now, I’m gonna wear my heartbreak proud.

(Image credit: Andrea Vallar)

A Letter

To my lovely wife,

How many years have we been together? Ahhh.. time flies so fast. It feels like yesterday when we met for the first time, first date, first out-of-the-country travel, first baby, then second child, and so on and so forth. We had misunderstandings along the way, but I know we are so in love to mind hatred and ill feelings.

I know, we are strong to overcome the treacherous words of separation and hollow promises of freedom from responsibility. What is more precious than having our own children by our side and watching the horizons for sunrises and sunsets. Their mere presence is more wonderful than any material thing in the world. Their enchanting voices remind me of serenity. Their smiles make me clamour more for them. Warm embraces from them give me peace of mind.

Your love, my dear wife, the mother of my children, enwraps everything. You make everything easy. You fix unwanted curves of our life journey together. You polish rough roads and smoothly guide us to contentment. You remind me that everytime I fall, there is someone to kiss my wounded knees and aid me in getting up. For all the things that you have done for us, I will always be indebted to you… not only for bringing wonderful kids into this world, but for highlighting the best of me.

When I am at the edge of falling apart, please do not give up on me. Be patient with my shortcomings. I ensure that every day gives me enough love to be the best father to our children and be the same person you fall in love with. Thank you for giving me life. I love you.

Your Mr B

(Photo Credit)

I Am Nothing Without Your Love

Five months and I am still anchored on that part of the avenue where I could see the sun setting in the west. I am too lonely to celebrate while the sun is rising from the east. My heart’s gone numb. And I have become frozen to feel the warmth of my friend’s joyful conversations. I am still waiting where you left me five months ago. Waiting for you.

How many times have I retrieved myself from the pangs of loneliness? How many times have I rescued my heart from the ocean of desperation and depression? Ah, you’ll get tired from counting. Perhaps, you’d prefer reading what is written on my face. But I am still here, waiting for your embrace.

Memories can keep me smiling for hours. Do you remember the nights we had to rush back home amidst the rain? I held your hand to reassure you that everything is fine. That after a stormy night, I needed to kiss you “good morning” to tell you that every day is a new beginning. And that I had to prove that I was one of the reasons of your happiness and that you have become the life I needed. But when reality sinks in, everything crumbles back to point zero.

I just can’t subscribe to Mr Rosenberg’s idea. That when you love someone, you gonna let that person go. I simply can’t. But I think, I need to reconsider my decision.

I have to teach my mind. I have to talk to my heart. Maybe you’re sad that we are no longer together. But you don’t need me either. And you are no longer interested in the future plans that we have talked about before. Everything has become so ordinary for you.

With all of these, I seriously need to do the best thing. I will try my best to let you go, even if it means me becoming nothing.

Mr Dumped and His Adventure Wrongly Considered

I do not know you. The more that you do not know even a single information about me. You have become an instant celebrity over that boob-tube blah-blah. Mr Dumped. Yes, let me call you with that monicker.

I would like to ask how are you feeling now? Does it still hurt? Well, it is not stupidity to ask how you feel. I would like to know how you feel. I am curious. And we might have the same thinking, or feeling, about the event that catapulted you as a 15-second-famer.

If you are feeling badly now, then I do not need to assume that you are human and capable of feeling the exorbitant mixture of unexplainable pain. If you are fine just the way you are, then that does not make you less of a human being. I assume you just know what love truly means – that loving is giving someone the right to hurt you. It sucks, but it is just the way it is.

The day after everybody watched how you sat beside her and got dumped, I was still trying to run over that fence of isolation you built for yourself. The whole nation wanted to carry you over that fence, too, but not intentionally at the expense of your girlfriend, your former girlfriend, whom I presume to be reading the Scriptures when she was still a teenage dirtbag like everyone else.

I do not know if I would drive to Idolatry Station and buy something for you or drive instead to hit you. I would like to think that you are somehow an idiot – in the name of love. But I prefer to think that you were not educated properly on topics like Moving On and Getting Over Someone Who Does Not Deserve Your Love.

Some people ask why are we affected by turmoils created by people who are completely unaware of our existence. But that is just the way we are. We love drama. We love tearjerkers. We love pain. Because that is the only way, maybe, to reassure ourselves that we are indeed humans and alive. That is on the same line where you, Mr Dumped, were on the day you were thrown out of her system. You were sitting like there was nothing going on. You might have felt the pleasure of being in pain. You might have felt the joy of being in love with something fatal like lava flowing from the mouth of a volcano. You might have felt life just by sitting calmly and getting dumped.

Mr Dumped, do you know Chesterton? He once wrote that an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered. Did you consider your short-termed life with her as an adventure? Was it an inconvenience rightly considered? You had the power to believe, until now, that you have the might of an Olympian in carrying your love for her until the end of time. And I salute you for that. Unfortunately, you never thought that she might have been thinking of a different version of everything. She might have been thinking right from the start that her life with you is just an inconvenience, to which Chesterton also defined as an adventure wrongly considered.