His Empty Heart

He does not mind taking his flight out via that ‘worst’ airport. It has the basic amenities. The AC units are perfectly working. It’s not crowded. Lines are short, and when it gets longer than usual, everything flows smoothly. No need to walk long distances just to get to the boarding gate from the premise where visitors and wishers are no longer allowed. And everyone should know by now that his punctuality to scheduled appointments, including departures, is ordinary, very ordinary.

Four hours prior to his departure time, he did not expect much to see from the variable cadences of his fellow humans. He grinned at the sight of lovers glued to each other like they are going to be separated for a long time. The relentless running of two girls irritated him just thinking of the stress they were causing in between the lines of people waiting for their turn at the check-in counter. He saw a young man silently crying in one corner. His eyes caught a mother silently smiling while staring at her mobile phone. Oh, what a life, he exclaimed.

After an n number of hours, the airport speaker went on and signaled the boarding of passengers of the airline stamped on his ticket. Few more minutes and the plane commenced its own adrenaline rush to the sky. Nothing is similar to that feeling given by speed and carefree running.

After the seatbelt sign was turned off, he reclined his seat to have a more comfortable trip. Sleep was pulled out from his humanity when his eyes caught the sight of fluffy clouds. He straightened his spine to scan the surroundings outside the tightly-locked window designated to his seat. He feasted on the spectacle of white coasts sandwiched between dark green forests and blue sea. That kind of natural painting never fails to give him good chills. As the plane was smoothly flying twenty thousand feet in the air, his ears were filled with the music of Coldplay and everything was plugged back into his memory.

Last weekend, he attended a gathering with his friends, well, including his ex-girlfriend. Seeing his ex-lover confirmed his current status – he has not yet moved on from their break-up. What worsens everything is that she appeared to be 100% fine, she has moved on, like nothing devastating has happened. It’s unfair!

He hoped to have a time, even ten minutes, with her. He wanted to ask the real reason of their split; if why two years of their togetherness was dumped like it had been a waste of time. He wanted to ask if what he did wrongly and diminished her love. But she was too busy talking to her new friend, whom he assumed to be her new lover. Their closeness stirred his feelings and he felt pain right where his heart is. And he was too coward to take the pace towards her.

Then, he was interrupted by a cabin crew. She was asking if he would like to be served with wine. He just nodded without the real thought of himself taking in something like wine. His ex-girlfriend’s voice was domineering his thoughts. After seven months, he still thinks about her, her smiles, her embrace, her head on his shoulder, her scent, everything about her. After seven months, after their break-up, he still likens himself to garbage, worthless and disposable anytime.

One of his friends told him to let her go the soonest. We hang on to people because we are afraid to lose them. But the more we hold on to them, the more they let go.

He wished letting go is as easy as counting 123.

A Guide to Getting through Break-Ups and Heartbreaks

Break-ups and heartbreaks are depressing and life-defining emotions, at least to people who live according to love. Whatever the reason may be, you have the option to get up and move on, away from a break-up or heartbreak. It is difficult to forget everything but you have to do it.

1. The key ingredient of moving on is letting go. Learn to accept that you are not enough for him/her. Whatever you do, you will never be enough. So why not lengthen your relationship if you are not good for him/her? Someone badly needs your personality, your wit, your charm, your existence. So go on and search among the billions of people around the world. Start now. Do not waste your time loving that someone who does not even value your presence.

2. You must learn to accept that something has gone awry. Something is wrong, and it’s in you. That “something wrong” drove your lover to dislike you. But if you think about it again, that “something wrong” is not totally wrong; it is just fine to somebody else.

3. Grow up. Learn your lessons well and use them thoughtfully. It is fine to make a mistake once, but never repeat it. Be vigilant next time you fall in love.

4. Be the reason for a life well-lived. Rejuvenate people with your kindness. Enlighten everybody with your smile. Help in building communities. Share your blessings to less-fortunate people. I assure you that this will upgrade your views in life. All the old, unnecessary points of view, including standards for love, will be replaced with new benchmarks.

5. Travel. Who knows the Love of Your Life might just be waiting for you in one of the street cafés in Ha Noi, or enjoying an overnight life with the elephants in Lampang, or sitting in a shinkansen bound for Kyoto, or surfing in Zambales.

You Are Worth Dying For

One more day. Another sunrise. Another sunset. A different set of walks and runs. A variegated turn-up of emotions. But for Ben, this is a day similar to yesterday… of agonising pain, of inescapably thinking of the one he used to love.

He wakes up. He goes to the kitchen, plugs the electric kettle to boil the water for his coffee. He patiently waits for the day when hyperacidity attacks again. He longs for the excruciating pain. He feels he has become addicted to pain.

Yesterday, he went to see his friend who is a tattoo artist. He asked for the price. He plans to have a tattoo on his arm like what rock band members have. But he got scared with the possibility of getting HIV from the needles. He was assured that needles are not recycled, but the thought of getting the disease keeps on bothering his mind.

He frowns, thinking what he had done to make himself all alone now. Everything was going well. At that very moment when the bond was officially broken, he felt sorry for himself. Up to this time, he still likens himself to garbage, worthless and disposable anytime.

He eats his breakfast. He takes a bath. He walks through a narrow alley.

He does not know that the morning following the night with the big Moon adorning the dark sky, someone will come to his life and tell him that he is worth dying for.

What You Saw from the Best Seat

At the onset of the second quarter of that year two years from now, everything seemed like a slow-moving rollercoaster. That when the ride turns upside down in one of its tracks, everything on it can fall. The curtains have become as hard as a fake wall. The seats have collected an inch-thick of dusts, including colonies of mites and jumping insects.

When everything was on the course for a last full show, people started to flock down the stairs and appeared from the lit doors. Yes, the play “Love Offering” finally reached its Golden Era. Everybody was smiling. The expression on my face was a hybrid of pain and ecstasy. Tension and pressure built up in my system. I was hesitant to take the centre stage because I have forgotten how to deliver lines with so much fervour. But I regained my inner strength, strode to the centre circle, opened my humanity and sang the first line. Talk about being the lead of a piece of an entertainment.

I delivered all my lines according to the script. I forgot some words, maybe statements and there were times that I stuttered. I thought, it was fine, nonetheless. I am only human, prone to making mistakes. I wore the best clothes, the only set ordered from the finest fabric manufacturers. The lightest and the best shoes adorned my feet. The props on the stage were fabricated by the best architects and engineers. The digital screen was superb and the only of its kind that time. The fireworks and light spectacles spoke of meticulous preparation. The sound engineers assured me that the music and sound effects were of the best quality. With everything in place, I made sure my body, myself, was in the mood to hit the right notes and words.

From where you were seated, everything was perfect. The partnership of music and lines, the sways and hums, complemented everything to make the play the best that the town has ever seen. What you saw from your seat, one of the best seats, was my best performance.

Or maybe my worst? Because you left at the middle of the play. Maybe you got bored. Maybe you expected something. Maybe you expected more dances. Maybe you expected zero mistake. In behalf of the management, I would like to apologise for all the shortcomings. That was my best presence. If you got bored of it, then it is only fitting for you to leave. As for me, I will try to live my life as a has-been.

I Secretly Love You

19 February 1999. There must have been too much cheese in my burger meal on that day.

The day I met you
No other feelings inside
Just a feeling that’s true
For a friend on my side

You’re precious, that’s no lie
Always here when my life runs dry
And in times when I can’t help but cry
You wipe tears in my eye

I wish to be close to you
And I hope you feel the same way, too
But I’m afraid to confess all of these
Pain might strike my chest

For I know, you love me just as a friend
Don’t know if you could trace another end
Is that love that my heart can see
Or just the way I want it to be

Days have passed by thinking of you
I don’t know if I could tell you
That I have learned to care for you
That I secretly love you

I promise to keep it ‘till the end
If I could not, send me to the edge
But I fear the moment you go
Without even telling you, “I love you.”

A million thanks to the owner of the photo.

Erskineism

Since the time I learned how to read and write the alphabet, I have had this perception that people must unite for a great cause. From the National Anthem to what my teachers taught me, from Filipino textbooks to Liwayway magazines, patriotism is a main ingredient of being a Filipino citizen. Magkaisa! Makisama! There was also a letter supposedly written by a Korean expressing his love for the Philippines and how Filipinos differ from Koreans, who were once at the bottom of economic lever but rose to be one of the strong economies of the world. That they are united and have the unwavering loyalty and love for their country. Everyone was fed with the notion that love and loyalty yields freedom, prosperity and success.

Until that one afternoon I read about John Erskine and his article on intelligence and elemental affections like love. According to him:

It is a mistake to think that men are united by elemental affections. Our affections divide us.

All of a sudden, all of my beliefs crumbled like a bombed structure. And my mind kept chanting “Oo nga, ‘no?”

Summing Erskine up, love binds when viewed from the inside. That it has the ability to connect people and make them work together. However, from outside, love divides. It separates a group of people from others.

Example? The Taiwanese and errr, Filipinos, are executing Erskineism now. The Taiwanese are mad because a Filipino allegedly killed one Taiwanese fisherman. And the Filipinos are mad because Dan Brown called Manila the gates of hell in his latest novel, Inferno.

So are we going to drive ourselves crazy with this video?

We’re Better Off This Way

Can you remember the first time we saw each other? Nah. Let us keep that under the bushes. Let us just keep those things on the good side of life.

It must have been hard leaving you behind without even a word. And I hate myself for being so weak-hearted. My fragility worked against us. I thought that the maturity given to me by Life at an early age would shield me from short-sighted decisions and fear. But I was wrong! Everything was submerged in the bog of uncertainty and fuzzy future. I know I am alive but I am losing my drive to stand up and seek the warmth of Life.

How many times have I tried to turn back and fetch you right where I jumped off perpendicularly? So many times I could make a beautiful pattern of lines. Everything has become so foggy. My vision was blocked with fear. Yes, I was scared to go back. Until now, I am not sure of my reason for being so afraid. Doubt might have overshadowed the promise of Us.

It is a real shame for being not assertive. For being not able to stand for us. Whose mistake? It might have been you who turned everything upside down. It might have been me. Whoever might have caused the rough drift, I cannot breathe. Whatever the reason, it led to the same deadend – you’re gone.

It is saddening to travel from the right side of the Cartesian Plane and end at the opposite side. And it is not enough to apologise for all the bad things I have done to you. But, I guess, we’re better off this way.

I’ll Carry You

When you fall asleep, I will carry you to your bed.

Do not be afraid because I won’t be leaving you.

I’ll stay…

(Image from the movie “Drive” starring Ryan Gosling as the Driver.)

Paging: Eve

Many times have I tried to wake up without you in my head, but your voice is so strong, in fact, so strong to keep me smiling for decades.

I should have been there at the pier when the boat of moving on left, but I chose to stay for whatever reasons that stabbed my head that day. I simply cannot imagine myself seeing sunrises without you near. Well, I cannot see you when I open my eyes, but I know you are somewhere near (literally).

But for the nth time now, I shall try to step backward and pick up another way, hoping Eve would give me the antidote for the pain I created within me for loving you silently.

Love: Lost and Almost Found

I was trying to fit in the crowd when an extraordinary smile beamed across the crowd, amidst the development happening in the world. That smile tried to communicate with the beat of my heart, in the strictest sense of the process. It happened in just a click… and pooff!! There goes the start of something new.

We started smoothly. She came. I came. She saw the potential in us. I saw the glowing glory between us.

We conquered boundaries.

We did things together. We were happy. We saturated our existence. I did not notice that we were already hanging on the cliff of impossibility. We tried to hang on. I tried, I know. But I realised that she might not want to hold on. I gave up… first. The moment I let go, that was the time when it came to my mind that I was too weak. Too brittle for her.

I lost her.

When I reached the ground from falling, there was a woman sitting on top of one of the stones standing beside the river. I went near to her to drink because I noticed that the water below her feet was sparkling like crystal. I sat beside her. I smiled.

I saw her. I came to know her. But she never saw me. She never wanted me near her. I never conquered the moment with her.

I woke up. I sat. It was all but a dream, a tale of love – lost and almost found.