Four years ago, the pain was real. Everything was so difficult. Beyond explanation. Her sudden demise during the happiest time of the year (we declared it!) was the real deal. The explosion of emotion rendered me numb and emotionless in front of other people. There were no tears. Everything was so blunt at the surface. No drama. No tears. I looked like the coldest among them.
Fast forward. The pain is still there. But it is already fading. The memory did not give me enough motivation and drive to go home on Christmas. It did not give me enough power to endure the long line of passengers going home for the holidays. Staying in the city was registered to my humanity as better and more worthwhile than wasting my time falling in line for a ticket to go home.
But I am scared that one day, I woke up with the pain already a stranger to me. I read from somewhere that pain is essential to remind us about the love and the life that we had with a person. It is a good piece of evidence that we are alive. So they say that we should acknowledge it and move forward with it.
I am frightened that when the pain is no longer there, I would no longer have the humanity to be kind to others. That I might fall in the bog filled with negativity. That I might reject everyone close to me and start living my life like a criminal in disguise.
Well, I hope not.
DEXTERIFICATION 